I will be honest with you, today was not my best day. Sometimes, as a Christian, you know everything that should be done and feel that you are unable to do any of it. Now, according to scripture that may not be the truth because the Word of God says I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me (Phil. 4:13)--but that doesn't mean I do it gracefully. Did I make it through this day? Yes.
Did I make it through this day gracefully? Probably not.
I woke up this morning full of joy and hope--ready to face the day. Today is the day when my son and I go to a very important doctor's appointment to find out the extent of what is going wrong in his body. I had prepared for this appointment for the past week, knowing it was coming, but hoping that it would bring me the answers that I seek, and the relief that my son needs.
We received neither of those today. In fact, by the end of the day, I felt more anxious and upset than I did when the day began. It wasn't that what we DID hear was bad. The doctor said that he doesn't believe my son has either Langerhans Cell Histiocytosis or any type of cancer. However, when making this determination, he had not yet even looked at my son's blood tests. This was after we waited 5 1/2 hours to see the doctor after having a firm appointment in the morning. We were not seen until the afternoon.
I went through a range of emotions today. Excitement over thinking we would find out something helpful...joy while we began our wait to see the doctor...and happiness from the look of innocence on my son's face. However, as the clocked ticked on, my emotions began to change. As the anxiety began to creep into my mind, I began to pray. I began to "cast my cares upon Jesus" because I could feel the anxiety rising up in me! I began to feel angry because I could not understand why we had to wait for hours when we had an appointment, and I began to feel alone and slightly forgotten.
I mustered every bit of patience and I went to the nurse's station to ask how long it might be before the doctor would be seeing us. I had other obligations planned for the afternoon and I just wanted to know if I should call and cancel.
After my visit to the nurse's station, I heard the nurses talking about the "difficult parent with the patient who had been waiting..." Whether it's true or not, I immediately felt they were talking about me. Was I difficult for asking when we might be seen after several hours had passed? I began to think about how others might become enraged and be very unkind to the staff, but not me. I was going to wait patiently in my room, even if it felt like an eternity. I was going to take deep breaths, practice the coping skills I teach others in counseling groups, and just stay calm.
As hour five passed on, I began to lose control. I walked back out to the nurse's station again, knowing in my heart they probably were already frustrated with me, and I asked again..."how much longer will it be?"
To which they answered, "You are next to see the doctor." It's the same thing they told me two hours before. I almost felt like I was going to start crying. I began praying harder, asking God to make them come into our room and help us! I prayed and prayed.
That's when it hit me (just as it had in the waiting room earlier today)...we are on the cancer floor of the children's hospital. Maybe there's a good reason why we are here to wait, and wait, and wait.
I heard the Lord whisper to my spirit, "Perhaps, YOU are praying for the wrong thing."
The Lord went on to say, "Perhaps, you should be praying for healing for these children and comfort and peace for THEIR families. Perhaps I brought you here for such a time as this."
So I began to pray...not that our doctor would come quicker (although I still wanted him to show up any minute), but that God would touch and heal every person in that hospital, patients and families alike, even the nurses and the doctors who hearts may be suffering from losing patients (young patients) to the demon of cancer.
Perhaps...I was sent there...for such a time as this.
As my prayers, and my focus, shifted off myself and our problems. I began to realize that there were suffering people all around me. I had felt the fear, anxiety and heartache associated with knowing that my child is sick (for whatever reason), but what about when the doctor comes in and serves you with the worst news of your life...your child DOES have cancer and your child might die. I have felt the sting recently of even having this thought cross my mind. What if the doctor told me it was unequivocally true and there was no escaping the diagnosis?
As I began to pray for others in the hospital, suddenly two doctors (the attending physician and a medical student) showed up in our room. We went through a rather rushed and crazy appointment that ended with the doctor telling me that my son is probably severely allergic to some type of food. A food allergy test was ordered, along with an iron test for his anemia. The doctor told me to keep my forthcoming appointment with the dermatologist and my son's other specialists, but he was very certain he does not have either cancer or Langerhans. He may just have several things going on in his body that are unrelated!
What are the chances? We will keep our appointments with the other doctors and we really don't have a lot of answers at this point. Our son is still having a difficult time and we don't really know why, but we are one step closer to finding out...and the worst things seemed to have been ruled out at the moment.
Sometimes, our own tears...our own fears...and all our own problems can cloud our ability to notice the needs, fears and tears of others. Regardless of how our story ends, I thank God for taking me to that place today. I saw a young mother sitting in a chair and our eyes met for just a moment. She was crying and I could feel the pain in her heart. She had just heard something that broke her heart--a mother's heart. I wanted to comfort her, but as soon as our eyes met, she looked down at the floor. Looking another person in the eye when you are in so much pain is very difficult. You don't want someone to see into your soul.
I said a prayer for her, and I will pray for her again tonight. I prayed today that the Holy Spirit would make His presence known in that hospital floor and reach out and touch EVERYONE with His peace, His comfort, His grace and salvation. I can't imagine many places where a touch from God is needed more. The thought of losing a child breaks my heart...whether it be my own or another's.
Sadly, despite all this, I still had trouble not being bitter. That proves that we all have a fleshly side based only in human nature. May God forgive me for my selfishness at times and let me give all the offenses I face in life to Him. Sometimes, we don't understand why things happen the way they do, but I can be sure that God has a plan...and it's ALWAYS GOOD!
Please...although I thank you for all your prayers and support for my family through this trial...PLEASE pray tonight for those who are facing childhood cancer and their families. Pray for the doctors to have wisdom and peace in their own hearts. Their job is difficult, but I'm thankful that they do it.
Psalm 34:18 (NASB)
The LORD is near to the brokenhearted And saves those who are crushed in spirit.
May God bless you all in the name of Jesus.
Did I make it through this day gracefully? Probably not.
I woke up this morning full of joy and hope--ready to face the day. Today is the day when my son and I go to a very important doctor's appointment to find out the extent of what is going wrong in his body. I had prepared for this appointment for the past week, knowing it was coming, but hoping that it would bring me the answers that I seek, and the relief that my son needs.
We received neither of those today. In fact, by the end of the day, I felt more anxious and upset than I did when the day began. It wasn't that what we DID hear was bad. The doctor said that he doesn't believe my son has either Langerhans Cell Histiocytosis or any type of cancer. However, when making this determination, he had not yet even looked at my son's blood tests. This was after we waited 5 1/2 hours to see the doctor after having a firm appointment in the morning. We were not seen until the afternoon.
I went through a range of emotions today. Excitement over thinking we would find out something helpful...joy while we began our wait to see the doctor...and happiness from the look of innocence on my son's face. However, as the clocked ticked on, my emotions began to change. As the anxiety began to creep into my mind, I began to pray. I began to "cast my cares upon Jesus" because I could feel the anxiety rising up in me! I began to feel angry because I could not understand why we had to wait for hours when we had an appointment, and I began to feel alone and slightly forgotten.
I mustered every bit of patience and I went to the nurse's station to ask how long it might be before the doctor would be seeing us. I had other obligations planned for the afternoon and I just wanted to know if I should call and cancel.
After my visit to the nurse's station, I heard the nurses talking about the "difficult parent with the patient who had been waiting..." Whether it's true or not, I immediately felt they were talking about me. Was I difficult for asking when we might be seen after several hours had passed? I began to think about how others might become enraged and be very unkind to the staff, but not me. I was going to wait patiently in my room, even if it felt like an eternity. I was going to take deep breaths, practice the coping skills I teach others in counseling groups, and just stay calm.
As hour five passed on, I began to lose control. I walked back out to the nurse's station again, knowing in my heart they probably were already frustrated with me, and I asked again..."how much longer will it be?"
To which they answered, "You are next to see the doctor." It's the same thing they told me two hours before. I almost felt like I was going to start crying. I began praying harder, asking God to make them come into our room and help us! I prayed and prayed.
That's when it hit me (just as it had in the waiting room earlier today)...we are on the cancer floor of the children's hospital. Maybe there's a good reason why we are here to wait, and wait, and wait.
I heard the Lord whisper to my spirit, "Perhaps, YOU are praying for the wrong thing."
The Lord went on to say, "Perhaps, you should be praying for healing for these children and comfort and peace for THEIR families. Perhaps I brought you here for such a time as this."
So I began to pray...not that our doctor would come quicker (although I still wanted him to show up any minute), but that God would touch and heal every person in that hospital, patients and families alike, even the nurses and the doctors who hearts may be suffering from losing patients (young patients) to the demon of cancer.
Perhaps...I was sent there...for such a time as this.
As my prayers, and my focus, shifted off myself and our problems. I began to realize that there were suffering people all around me. I had felt the fear, anxiety and heartache associated with knowing that my child is sick (for whatever reason), but what about when the doctor comes in and serves you with the worst news of your life...your child DOES have cancer and your child might die. I have felt the sting recently of even having this thought cross my mind. What if the doctor told me it was unequivocally true and there was no escaping the diagnosis?
As I began to pray for others in the hospital, suddenly two doctors (the attending physician and a medical student) showed up in our room. We went through a rather rushed and crazy appointment that ended with the doctor telling me that my son is probably severely allergic to some type of food. A food allergy test was ordered, along with an iron test for his anemia. The doctor told me to keep my forthcoming appointment with the dermatologist and my son's other specialists, but he was very certain he does not have either cancer or Langerhans. He may just have several things going on in his body that are unrelated!
What are the chances? We will keep our appointments with the other doctors and we really don't have a lot of answers at this point. Our son is still having a difficult time and we don't really know why, but we are one step closer to finding out...and the worst things seemed to have been ruled out at the moment.
Sometimes, our own tears...our own fears...and all our own problems can cloud our ability to notice the needs, fears and tears of others. Regardless of how our story ends, I thank God for taking me to that place today. I saw a young mother sitting in a chair and our eyes met for just a moment. She was crying and I could feel the pain in her heart. She had just heard something that broke her heart--a mother's heart. I wanted to comfort her, but as soon as our eyes met, she looked down at the floor. Looking another person in the eye when you are in so much pain is very difficult. You don't want someone to see into your soul.
I said a prayer for her, and I will pray for her again tonight. I prayed today that the Holy Spirit would make His presence known in that hospital floor and reach out and touch EVERYONE with His peace, His comfort, His grace and salvation. I can't imagine many places where a touch from God is needed more. The thought of losing a child breaks my heart...whether it be my own or another's.
Sadly, despite all this, I still had trouble not being bitter. That proves that we all have a fleshly side based only in human nature. May God forgive me for my selfishness at times and let me give all the offenses I face in life to Him. Sometimes, we don't understand why things happen the way they do, but I can be sure that God has a plan...and it's ALWAYS GOOD!
Please...although I thank you for all your prayers and support for my family through this trial...PLEASE pray tonight for those who are facing childhood cancer and their families. Pray for the doctors to have wisdom and peace in their own hearts. Their job is difficult, but I'm thankful that they do it.
Psalm 34:18 (NASB)
The LORD is near to the brokenhearted And saves those who are crushed in spirit.
May God bless you all in the name of Jesus.
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