This morning, I woke up to a little bundle of warm flesh snuggled up against my body. I could hear his quiet breaths and feel his warm skin, as he wiggled and mumbled something. I whispered, "what, baby?" In this little, soft, voice...my son whispers back, "I said, I love you."
There really is nothing better in this life. To be truly, deeply, madly loved by another human being is the most amazing feeling on earth. Such amazing things come from these small human beings that we call children.
Growing up, I was the kind of girl that wanted to have children from the time I was a small child. I always wanted to be a mommy. Starting very young, I started having chronic pain that would stay with me every day for months at a time. In college, I was in severe pain and could not sleep through the night. I finally visited a doctor regarding my pain. After a quick examination, the doctor said, "I know what's wrong, I believe you have endometriosis, but we will have to do surgery to make a diagnosis."
When I returned to my house, I began to search for information about endometriosis. At the time, there was not much quality information and (from what was known), it seemed like a scary disease. Basically, tissue that belongs in the uterus ends up in other places in the body and then grows each month being fueled by estrogen. Thus began a long, hard journey for me. From my reading and what the doctor told me, having children could be a difficult and heartbreaking journey...this would ultimately become a reality for me.
Until the past few years, I had not shared the details of my struggle with infertility. Many people see my three beautiful and smiling children, and probably think I am very blessed. They would be correct. I am blessed. Wanting these precious children and going through the process to have them led to some of the most gut-wrenching emotional pain I have ever experienced, but the joy of the blessing outweighs the pain of the sorrow.
I had a dream to have children. At 18 years old, I was told that this may not happen for me in life, but it could be a difficult process. I don't think "difficult" is a strong enough word for what those with infertility actually go through. It can be soul-crushing, torturous and play games with the mind that people don't want to even imagine. Wanting something so badly, and feeling inadequate to have it, or provide your spouse with children, or to have the family you have dreamed about, can bring a person to great despair. It was confirmed that I had endometriosis and I did not know if my dream would ever come true. I felt very depressed thinking of never having the chance to snuggle my own baby, caring and loving for my own child. Of course, adoption would have been a great alternative to giving birth, but I really wanted a child, born of my own flesh and blood.
Most people don't even realize the truth of the struggle. I've had several miscarriages. A couple of times, I may have actually had other miscarriages, but lost the baby before I realized I was pregnant because I refused to take a pregnancy test--fearing the worst. Even the thought of being pregnant would shoot an odd mixture of fear and excitement into my heart. I would desperately want to know if I was pregnant, but then experience paralyzing fear to actually know that I was pregnant...and might experience another loss.
Fortunately, I was eventually able to have three children. Fearing more pain and loss, it was decided that permanent birth control was the answer. My body has been through a war and we decided to declare victory and end the war!
I still think and wonder about my little babies in heaven. I believe they are there, with Jesus, until I am able to come and meet them. It will be a glorious day to experience this reunion.
For now, I focus on the fact that it was worth every minute of the struggle to feel my son's breath on my neck, to feel his little heart beating next to mine...and to hear him say, "I love you."
God knows the desires of our hearts. He knows the dreams that are sacred to us. He knows that trying to subdue those dreams, or ignore them, is not always going to work. Many times, they are dreams planted in our hearts by Him. We simply do not understand His timing. We want the right thing that God wants for us, but the timing isn't right.
A few months ago, I was praying about things that the Lord had promised to me, but I had not yet seen occur in my life. I was praying about dreams and desires that I have, and I was asking the Lord if they were things that I should continue to hold onto, or were they just selfish desires? I was driving to work and the Lord spoke gently to my heart, saying "Sometimes, we want the right things, but at the wrong time."
I started thinking about how important God's timing could be in my life. I went on a mental journey of events in my life that all were perfectly timed--right down to having my first child at the age of 19, outside of marriage, seemingly at the "wrong time." However, having my daughter led me to switch majors in college, finish ahead of my scheduled graduation, go to work at a certain place and meet my husband. I thought I would live in Tucson much longer, but God's timing was different and we moved to Guam "ahead of schedule." When we got to Guam, we had a little baby boy who was born "a little early." We tried to have another baby, but ended up having a few miscarriages before being surprised by our third child, thinking we would not have another child. He was "a little late."
This is the boy that awoke next to me this morning and told me, "I love you." God knows, his birth was actually right on time.
We don't always understand God's timing. We don't understand His plan. We don't understand why some things happen and others don't. What I have come to know is that God is always on time with the completion of HIS plan for our lives. It may be not our plan, or our timing, but God certainly knows WHAT HE'S DOING and WHEN HE'S DOING IT.
I think back about the times when I could have turned left, but my life turned in the opposite direction. If I had chosen a different college or stayed in my hometown, or I had chosen a different major in college, a different job after college, different friends, not had my child during college, not moved to Guam, not become a military spouse...and a thousand other decisions that could have pointed my life in a different direction.
Instead, I focus on where I am...this morning, I woke up in bed next to the most handsome little man I've ever known (besides my other handsome son)...and he told me that he loved me. The waiting and wondering, the pining and longing...and even questioning...it was all truly WORTH IT!
Don't give up. God has a good plan, no matter what you're going through. He knows where HE is taking you today. Just rest, trust and enjoy this life that He has given to YOU.
Don't take today for granted. Tomorrow will come, Lord willing, but even tomorrow is not promised to us. Enjoy the time you have been given today. Life is precious...and life is unpredictable. We don't know what tomorrow will bring, or even the rest of today. Some people won't have a tomorrow on this earth.
Trust His timing...it's part of a plan that works out for your good.
There really is nothing better in this life. To be truly, deeply, madly loved by another human being is the most amazing feeling on earth. Such amazing things come from these small human beings that we call children.
Growing up, I was the kind of girl that wanted to have children from the time I was a small child. I always wanted to be a mommy. Starting very young, I started having chronic pain that would stay with me every day for months at a time. In college, I was in severe pain and could not sleep through the night. I finally visited a doctor regarding my pain. After a quick examination, the doctor said, "I know what's wrong, I believe you have endometriosis, but we will have to do surgery to make a diagnosis."
When I returned to my house, I began to search for information about endometriosis. At the time, there was not much quality information and (from what was known), it seemed like a scary disease. Basically, tissue that belongs in the uterus ends up in other places in the body and then grows each month being fueled by estrogen. Thus began a long, hard journey for me. From my reading and what the doctor told me, having children could be a difficult and heartbreaking journey...this would ultimately become a reality for me.
Until the past few years, I had not shared the details of my struggle with infertility. Many people see my three beautiful and smiling children, and probably think I am very blessed. They would be correct. I am blessed. Wanting these precious children and going through the process to have them led to some of the most gut-wrenching emotional pain I have ever experienced, but the joy of the blessing outweighs the pain of the sorrow.
I had a dream to have children. At 18 years old, I was told that this may not happen for me in life, but it could be a difficult process. I don't think "difficult" is a strong enough word for what those with infertility actually go through. It can be soul-crushing, torturous and play games with the mind that people don't want to even imagine. Wanting something so badly, and feeling inadequate to have it, or provide your spouse with children, or to have the family you have dreamed about, can bring a person to great despair. It was confirmed that I had endometriosis and I did not know if my dream would ever come true. I felt very depressed thinking of never having the chance to snuggle my own baby, caring and loving for my own child. Of course, adoption would have been a great alternative to giving birth, but I really wanted a child, born of my own flesh and blood.
Most people don't even realize the truth of the struggle. I've had several miscarriages. A couple of times, I may have actually had other miscarriages, but lost the baby before I realized I was pregnant because I refused to take a pregnancy test--fearing the worst. Even the thought of being pregnant would shoot an odd mixture of fear and excitement into my heart. I would desperately want to know if I was pregnant, but then experience paralyzing fear to actually know that I was pregnant...and might experience another loss.
Fortunately, I was eventually able to have three children. Fearing more pain and loss, it was decided that permanent birth control was the answer. My body has been through a war and we decided to declare victory and end the war!
I still think and wonder about my little babies in heaven. I believe they are there, with Jesus, until I am able to come and meet them. It will be a glorious day to experience this reunion.
For now, I focus on the fact that it was worth every minute of the struggle to feel my son's breath on my neck, to feel his little heart beating next to mine...and to hear him say, "I love you."
God knows the desires of our hearts. He knows the dreams that are sacred to us. He knows that trying to subdue those dreams, or ignore them, is not always going to work. Many times, they are dreams planted in our hearts by Him. We simply do not understand His timing. We want the right thing that God wants for us, but the timing isn't right.
A few months ago, I was praying about things that the Lord had promised to me, but I had not yet seen occur in my life. I was praying about dreams and desires that I have, and I was asking the Lord if they were things that I should continue to hold onto, or were they just selfish desires? I was driving to work and the Lord spoke gently to my heart, saying "Sometimes, we want the right things, but at the wrong time."
I started thinking about how important God's timing could be in my life. I went on a mental journey of events in my life that all were perfectly timed--right down to having my first child at the age of 19, outside of marriage, seemingly at the "wrong time." However, having my daughter led me to switch majors in college, finish ahead of my scheduled graduation, go to work at a certain place and meet my husband. I thought I would live in Tucson much longer, but God's timing was different and we moved to Guam "ahead of schedule." When we got to Guam, we had a little baby boy who was born "a little early." We tried to have another baby, but ended up having a few miscarriages before being surprised by our third child, thinking we would not have another child. He was "a little late."
This is the boy that awoke next to me this morning and told me, "I love you." God knows, his birth was actually right on time.
We don't always understand God's timing. We don't understand His plan. We don't understand why some things happen and others don't. What I have come to know is that God is always on time with the completion of HIS plan for our lives. It may be not our plan, or our timing, but God certainly knows WHAT HE'S DOING and WHEN HE'S DOING IT.
I think back about the times when I could have turned left, but my life turned in the opposite direction. If I had chosen a different college or stayed in my hometown, or I had chosen a different major in college, a different job after college, different friends, not had my child during college, not moved to Guam, not become a military spouse...and a thousand other decisions that could have pointed my life in a different direction.
Instead, I focus on where I am...this morning, I woke up in bed next to the most handsome little man I've ever known (besides my other handsome son)...and he told me that he loved me. The waiting and wondering, the pining and longing...and even questioning...it was all truly WORTH IT!
Don't give up. God has a good plan, no matter what you're going through. He knows where HE is taking you today. Just rest, trust and enjoy this life that He has given to YOU.
Don't take today for granted. Tomorrow will come, Lord willing, but even tomorrow is not promised to us. Enjoy the time you have been given today. Life is precious...and life is unpredictable. We don't know what tomorrow will bring, or even the rest of today. Some people won't have a tomorrow on this earth.
Trust His timing...it's part of a plan that works out for your good.
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