Yesterday, I had a come to Jesus talk...with Jesus. As I drove to work on my every day one hour commute, I decided it was time to really talk to Jesus. Don't get me wrong, I pray every day. I read my Bible regularly and I talk to God about what I read. I am a good "upstanding Christian woman."
But, something has happened in the past year that I can't quite explain. The past year, I have been able to check off many things from my to-do list of life. I will have my master's degree in hand in a couple weeks and I'm interviewing for great new opportunities. I have a feeling I may even be offered a great job. I have a wonderful husband who has served his country for over a decade faithfully, and I have three amazing children who inspire me every day. Each of them received the highest award in their respective school for this past year.
I am blessed. I am honored. I live a charmed life, full of goodness and accomplishment.
Yet, this past year, I have felt empty in ways that I can hardly explain to anyone. I have become more withdrawn and isolated, and even started talking much less than ever before (if you know me, this would tell you something is wrong).
I just don't feel like I have much to say to anyone. For a writer, speaker, teacher and counselor, this is a strange feeling. I've always had something to say, something to share, and many times people have commented that the words I speak are inspiring and helpful. I don't say this to boast, but to understand that suddenly being at a loss for words is strange for me.
Yesterday, I woke up and all I wanted to do was talk to Jesus. I didn't want to talk with a friend, or call someone on the way to work. I just wanted to really talk to Jesus...in a way that I have not really talked to Him in the past year.
You see, I have been so busy finishing my master's degree, working in a fast-paced environment, working toward becoming successful, trying to keep up with my kids' activities and achievements and help them, and also be a good wife, a good friend, a good citizen of this world...
I forgot what is really important.
I'm almost ashamed to say it, but I know God has grace for me. Yesterday wasn't about being "a good Christian" because Lord already knows I am not a good Christian. I have failed countless number of times and if my right standing with God is based on my own works/deeds, I should just give up now. I will never be good enough for God. I don't even want to try. I want to seek Him every day of my life, and out of this relationship, He leads me and guides me into a better life. It's a LOVE relationship, not following rules (because I have NEVER been good at following rules)!
Yesterday, on my way to work, I just turned off the music and really shared my heart with God. I talked about things that I have been putting on the shelf for the past year. I talked about my fears, my hurts, the suffering I have seen, but that was just the tip of the iceberg. Once the words started to flow from my mouth, I started talking about an issue that was buried deep in my past...or was it?
You see, the business of life can blind us from what is truly important. Yesterday, as I shared my thoughts with God, I knew that He had known my heart all along. He knew my heart before I spoke those words to Him. He just wanted me to come and be open with Him, confess how I felt, and seek His merciful grace. After talking for awhile, I just sat in silence and listened for His voice.
All at once, I could feel this warmth surround me, like a comforting blanket. It was wrapping me up, like I was sitting in front of a fire on a cold winter day. I could feel God's love for me. I could feel His reassurance, that although I had failed to faithfully nurture our relationship, He still loved me the same as He always had before. His love had never changed for me.
In the world, I was becoming successful, but at what cost? If I don't make time for these "come to Jesus talks," what success do I really have? I felt better after one conversation with God that was truly deep and heartfelt than I have felt during many praises and accomplishments in the past year.
God started leading me toward becoming a counselor in early 2011. After several months of prayer, I started my program. Everything felt like it was headed in the direction that God wanted for me. I believe that I am meant to be a counselor. God is not unhappy with the success that I have experienced this past year, or the work that I have done. However, the most important work that occurred this past year was in my own heart. God knew that my heart needed a makeover.
He sent me to the valley of the shadow of death, to walk alone with Him, and to be changed. It has been a very lonely year, despite being surrounded by people. I can't remember feeling this alone for a very long time. At my lowest moments, I realized that I was never alone. God has been with me every day of my life, and He is not letting go. It has truly been a wilderness experience for me, one of the most difficult seasons of my life.
At the end of this week, my schedule is going to change dramatically. I will be counseling less and spending more time at home with my children during the summer. The seasons are changing, as they always do, and I am grateful for the coming change. The season that is passing away has been exceedingly difficult, but God has completed a great work in my life, and I am thankful...even for the darkness, pain and suffering, because God makes everything beautiful in it's time.
The Excellence in God's Works
…10I have seen the task which God has given the sons of men with which to occupy themselves. 11He has made everything appropriate in its time. He has also set eternity in their heart, yet so that man will not find out the work which God has done from the beginning even to the end. 12I know that there is nothing better for them than to rejoice and to do good in one's lifetime...
But, something has happened in the past year that I can't quite explain. The past year, I have been able to check off many things from my to-do list of life. I will have my master's degree in hand in a couple weeks and I'm interviewing for great new opportunities. I have a feeling I may even be offered a great job. I have a wonderful husband who has served his country for over a decade faithfully, and I have three amazing children who inspire me every day. Each of them received the highest award in their respective school for this past year.
I am blessed. I am honored. I live a charmed life, full of goodness and accomplishment.
Yet, this past year, I have felt empty in ways that I can hardly explain to anyone. I have become more withdrawn and isolated, and even started talking much less than ever before (if you know me, this would tell you something is wrong).
I just don't feel like I have much to say to anyone. For a writer, speaker, teacher and counselor, this is a strange feeling. I've always had something to say, something to share, and many times people have commented that the words I speak are inspiring and helpful. I don't say this to boast, but to understand that suddenly being at a loss for words is strange for me.
Yesterday, I woke up and all I wanted to do was talk to Jesus. I didn't want to talk with a friend, or call someone on the way to work. I just wanted to really talk to Jesus...in a way that I have not really talked to Him in the past year.
You see, I have been so busy finishing my master's degree, working in a fast-paced environment, working toward becoming successful, trying to keep up with my kids' activities and achievements and help them, and also be a good wife, a good friend, a good citizen of this world...
I forgot what is really important.
I'm almost ashamed to say it, but I know God has grace for me. Yesterday wasn't about being "a good Christian" because Lord already knows I am not a good Christian. I have failed countless number of times and if my right standing with God is based on my own works/deeds, I should just give up now. I will never be good enough for God. I don't even want to try. I want to seek Him every day of my life, and out of this relationship, He leads me and guides me into a better life. It's a LOVE relationship, not following rules (because I have NEVER been good at following rules)!
Yesterday, on my way to work, I just turned off the music and really shared my heart with God. I talked about things that I have been putting on the shelf for the past year. I talked about my fears, my hurts, the suffering I have seen, but that was just the tip of the iceberg. Once the words started to flow from my mouth, I started talking about an issue that was buried deep in my past...or was it?
You see, the business of life can blind us from what is truly important. Yesterday, as I shared my thoughts with God, I knew that He had known my heart all along. He knew my heart before I spoke those words to Him. He just wanted me to come and be open with Him, confess how I felt, and seek His merciful grace. After talking for awhile, I just sat in silence and listened for His voice.
All at once, I could feel this warmth surround me, like a comforting blanket. It was wrapping me up, like I was sitting in front of a fire on a cold winter day. I could feel God's love for me. I could feel His reassurance, that although I had failed to faithfully nurture our relationship, He still loved me the same as He always had before. His love had never changed for me.
In the world, I was becoming successful, but at what cost? If I don't make time for these "come to Jesus talks," what success do I really have? I felt better after one conversation with God that was truly deep and heartfelt than I have felt during many praises and accomplishments in the past year.
God started leading me toward becoming a counselor in early 2011. After several months of prayer, I started my program. Everything felt like it was headed in the direction that God wanted for me. I believe that I am meant to be a counselor. God is not unhappy with the success that I have experienced this past year, or the work that I have done. However, the most important work that occurred this past year was in my own heart. God knew that my heart needed a makeover.
He sent me to the valley of the shadow of death, to walk alone with Him, and to be changed. It has been a very lonely year, despite being surrounded by people. I can't remember feeling this alone for a very long time. At my lowest moments, I realized that I was never alone. God has been with me every day of my life, and He is not letting go. It has truly been a wilderness experience for me, one of the most difficult seasons of my life.
At the end of this week, my schedule is going to change dramatically. I will be counseling less and spending more time at home with my children during the summer. The seasons are changing, as they always do, and I am grateful for the coming change. The season that is passing away has been exceedingly difficult, but God has completed a great work in my life, and I am thankful...even for the darkness, pain and suffering, because God makes everything beautiful in it's time.
The Excellence in God's Works
…10I have seen the task which God has given the sons of men with which to occupy themselves. 11He has made everything appropriate in its time. He has also set eternity in their heart, yet so that man will not find out the work which God has done from the beginning even to the end. 12I know that there is nothing better for them than to rejoice and to do good in one's lifetime...
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