I Am a Good Mother...

I am a good mother.

I am not a perfect mother, but I am a good mother.

This can be one of the hardest things to say in life, as a mother.  Why is it hard to believe that we are doing a good job?  Whether you have one child or ten children, many mothers still doubt their abilities and may worry into the night that they are wrecking their children's lives.  Am I a good mother because I feed my children an all-natural, organic diet that is nutritionally balanced, GMO and gluten-free, and absolute full of goodness?  No.  Sadly, I do not do all these things.

I do try.

Am I good mom when my children go to bed at 7:30 every night, tucked quietly into their beds with a  perfect bedtime story full of moral fortitude?  No.

I do try.

Am I a good mother because I arrange playdates with the best children on the block, provide my children with extra opportunities for character building, boundary constructing and practicing social construct that are acceptable in society?  No.

But...I do try.

I am a good mother because I deeply love my children--unconditionally.

I am a good mother because, at the end of the day, I have kept my children alive, fed, clothed and sheltered.  Well, even when we faced troublesome times, it wasn't actually me that did that...it was Jesus.  He helps me to be a good mother.  He provides for me...so that I can be a good mother.  He pours His love through me, so that I can be a good mother.  He teaches my children grace, mercy, love and forgiveness for all those times I mess up, and the world may say (or I may want to say) that I am NOT a good mother.

You see, what makes me a good mother isn't that I conform perfectly to the wisdom of the world that tells me how to raise my children in a perfect way, in perfect health, so ultimately they can avoid dying too early.

What makes me a good mother is that I know where my strength comes from.  I know that I am not a perfect mother, but I believe in the grace of God that is guiding me and carrying me through. I believe that God is strong enough to overcome my shortcomings and mistakes as a parent, heal my children and God is in control of how their lives turn out.

I do try.  I try to spend time each day seeking God.  I try to focus more time in prayer for my children and their future.  I try to spend quality time with them each day, making them feel unconditionally love and ultimately important.  I try to tell them that, although they too have weaknesses, God is strong enough to overcome them.

I teach them that perfection is not the goal of life.  Love is the answer to everything.

This is why I AM A GOOD MOTHER.

2 Corinthians 12:10 (NASB)

Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ's sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong.

Whom Shall I Serve--Jesus, the Great Counselor

I have spent the past month completing an internship in the hope of one day becoming an independently licensed counselor. I have worked four long years in graduate school to get to this point.  I have been excited for over a year about my upcoming internship.  During the process of trying to find an internship, I contacted approximately 50 sites (I wrote them down).  Of these contacts, 2-3 of them looked as though they were possibilities.  None of these were "Christian" counseling facilities.  One was a domestic violence shelter, one was working with a tribal human services office, and another was working at an inpatient psychiatric hospital.  After attending interviews and praying hard, I chose to accept an internship at the psychiatric hospital.

One thing I knew going into the internship was that I would NOT be allowed to openly talk about God or my chosen faith, Christianity.  In the field of counseling, talking about your faith without the client stating that he/she has the same faith and wants that incorporated into the treatment interventions is unethical and can cost you everything (internship, licensure, and possibly getting sued for "harming" the client).  For someone who has spent the past eight years doing evangelism and sharing my faith openly and boldly, I knew this would be a great challenge for me.  In prayer, God spoke to me and said, "You don't have to say a word, my Presence will go with you, and it will reach out and touch people, even if you never mention Me."

Every day that I go to work, I see people in deep suffering.  I have experienced trials, tribulations and suffering in my own life.  I know how much these people are hurting.  They have no hope for life.  They want to commit suicide, or they want to hurt someone because they are angry, or they have been using drugs or just had a psychotic break and are having delusions, hallucinations, hearing derogatory and commanding voices telling them to do horrible things at times (to themselves and others).

It's the deepest darkness I have ever seen, and every day, the darkness is all around me.  I feel like I'm in the enemy's camp right in the midst of all his troops.  Not the people, but the mental illnesses.  The people are created by God, fearfully and wonderfully made, loved unconditionally by God--but the darkness they feel overshadowing them is heavy and crushing.  They feel they cannot bear up under the weight of the darkness.

Some of the voices tell these people that they are horrible people, they are worthless, meaningless, they yell at these people (inside of them) and say all manner of hateful things to them.  They describe to me how the voices cannot be shut off.  They torment them day and night.  Many of the patients have suffered deep traumas throughout life.  The grief and sadness overwhelms them.  I see beautiful people--I hear about times in their lives before the traumas occurred when life was much better.  I see children that God created, but they have become lost in the darkness of this world.  I want to help them find a light of hope.

In all of this, I want to wrap my arms around them and cry with them, and tell them about the hope that is found in trusting Jesus.  But...I can't.  Occasionally, a client will tell me that we can talk about God, but even then, I must be careful to walk a fine line that agrees with the client's own perceptions of faith and religious practices.  I cannot be bold, say what I want to say, or tell them what I believe.  The therapy is client-centered--to empower the client.  I believe in empowering people!  I want them to feel powerful against these dark forces in their lives, but I feel compelled to share something with them that can be a strong power and a sword against it.  It creates a constant struggle inside of me.

Yesterday, I heard things that I knew I would hear some day...horrific stories of abuse.  I knew it was coming for the past four years.  It was heartbreaking.  I could trace the roots of the mental illness.  It had started somewhere....and together, we found that place.  Although I never mentioned Jesus in the session, and we didn't talk about Christianity at all, I could feel His presence in the session with me.  I could feel that He was reaching out and healing wounds from the past.  I could feel an overwhelming sense of His unconditional love, mercy and grace.  I suddenly became VERY aware of how Jesus sees everything in our lives, He knows every detail, and He has been there through it all--loving us--never less, never more.  His love has been steadfast, faithful and true!

I know I'm not supposed to take my work home with me, but last night, I couldn't stop thinking about this client.  I sat in my comfortable chair, alone in the darkness, and my heart broke for this person.  I cried out to Jesus, interceding for this person to have healing from God, to feel the presence of God overshadowing all fear, shame, hurt and despair.  I cried and cried.  I asked God to show this person His great and everlasting love.  I asked God to send angels to protect this person.

I've been frustrated at times that I can't openly share my faith, but God told me before I began the internship that it would be this way.  He told me that He would go with me in everything that I do.  I realized yesterday that it's the truth.  God was in the room with us, whether we acknowledged His presence of not.  HE WAS THERE...helping us both.

I came home and felt I had possibly dishonored God by not saying more.  I heard God whisper to me, "Whom do you fear (serve), Sarah?"  I could feel God encouraging me to always have Him in my thoughts and keep Him with me at all times, acknowledging in myself His presence there.  I told God that I will serve Him first and only.

I know God has brought me to this place for a reason.  It's challenging in every way, but I know He is with me--so I will not fear.

God bless you all in the name of Jesus! :-)

Deuteronomy 31:8Holman Christian Standard Bible (HCSB)

8 The Lord is the One who will go before you. He will be with you; He will not leave you or forsake you. Do not be afraid or discouraged.”

***By the way, in case you all wondered, this does not violate confidentiality because there is no identifying information about this client, and I see many clients every day who have similar issues.***

Jesus is My Inspiration

I am very thankful that today is a quieter day.  I am at home, just cleaning my house, organizing my life and and doing normal things.  It has been a crazy week with doctor appointments and kids starting sports (soccer and volleyball), working my counseling internship and trying to keep up with the fast-paced life that we live.  However, I am thankful that we are busy because if I stayed home all day (every day), I would probably be more prone to anxiety and depression.  I am coaching volleyball this year and the exercise keeps those endorphins rushing to my brain and it's helping me stay peaceful and happy.

This morning, a thought was ruminating in my mind...I think sometimes people look at other people for inspiration.  When someone is facing a trial (as we are facing), it can be easy to watch that person's life very closely.  I make it even easier because I am sharing the entire journey, ups and downs, with all of you.  However, people have said things to the effect that my strength and how I am handling this situation is "inspiring."

I began to think about this statement this morning.  While I love the support and I am thankful that our bad situation is making people have hope and feel stronger, I began to think about what inspires ME.  What inspires me to go through my day with uncertainty and negativity lurking around every corner?  What inspires me not to worry too much (even though I do--a little)?  What inspires me to get up in the morning and get dressed and be joyful about my day, regardless of what may happen?  Oh, sometimes, I do fail at being joyful and peaceful, but it's not really my job to keep myself that way.

I spoke with someone yesterday who asked the question, "Why would God put your family through so much?  You have been through difficult things in the past?  Is this a TEST for your family?  Why?"

The person apologized for bringing up her feelings this way, but I told her..."It's ok.  Yes, it may be a test.  Yes, we may have been tested before.  We may have even passed the test LAST time.  I don't know exactly why this is happening, but I know that God is fully in control of the situation and He knows the outcome.  I have no control over what will happen to my little son, or me, or anything else in life." I have a little bit of control over the decisions that we can make, but the outcome is ultimately in God's hands--completely--and I trust whatever decision HE decides to make about our lives."

I could hear her sobbing on the other end of the line.  She seemed too choked up to talk.  She said, "I'm so glad that you have faith in God and it's carrying you through this.  What you said is absolutely right, we have no control and we have to just trust God."

Now, do I trust God perfectly every day?  No.

I can guarantee you that my trust in God is not perfected at this time.  I am well aware of my personal doubts and weaknesses, my tendency to become anxious or fearful and overly emotional (and dramatic).  I know myself better than anyone--except God.  He knows me better than I know myself.

HE (The Lord Jesus--Yeshua) is my inspiration for living every single day.  I do not know how I would survive this life and all the troubles it has brought me without HIM.  He is the giver of all my peace (my mind constantly wants to be anxious), He is my hope (when I feel that I have no hope), He is the reason I get up in the morning and praise Him every night before I fall asleep.  He is the One I come running to in prayer over big and small things that happen throughout my day.  He is the One who comforts me, guides me, gives me wisdom and reassures me of how much He loves me.  He loves you, He loves my family, He loves every human being on the planet with an everlasting love.

If He allows this trial, surely He has a great plan in doing so.  I trust Him.  I trust His decisions about my life more than I trust my own.  I take His Word over my own thoughts, my own feelings, my own fears and my own desires.  HE is my inspiration for living.

With a mother's heart, I cry out to Him to heal my son.  I will continue to do so, just as I did with my other son who He healed.  I will not stop petitioning Him to heal my son completely.  I believe God is a great Healer, the Great Physician, and even if God should one day choose to take him to be with Him, I will trust Him still.  Where else can I go?  He is the One who has been faithful to me in everything.  He has shown Himself faithful--time and time again!  He has never left me or abandoned me during my times of trial, and He has been with me through all my times of joy as well.  He is real.  He is alive.  He is risen.  His salvation is not a one-time event in life.  His salvation works itself out in our lives EVERY DAY! He saves us from weakness, trials, persecutions, infirmities, and everything that comes against us in life--and one day, our salvation, our rescue will occur and we will live forever in eternity without pain, sorrow or death any longer.  If any of my children go to that blessed place before me, I hope it's not too long before I get there too!

Life is short.  Eternity is forever.  I know where we are headed and no matter what happens in this life, Jesus inspires me to continue forward toward the heavenly reward!  He is my great and exceeding reward, above ALL other things.

Revelation 21:1-4 (HCSB)

1 Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and the sea no longer existed. 2 I also saw the Holy City, new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared like a bride adorned for her husband.

3 Then I heard a loud voice from the throne:[a]

Look! God’s dwelling[b] is with humanity,
and He will live with them.
They will be His people,
and God Himself will be with them
and be their God.[c]
4 He will wipe away every tear from their eyes.
Death will no longer exist;
grief, crying, and pain will exist no longer,
because the previous things[d] have passed away.

BE BLESSED TODAY AND HAVE HOPE IN THE NAME OF JESUS!

A Day on the Pediatric Cancer Floor

I will be honest with you, today was not my best day.  Sometimes, as a Christian, you know everything that should be done and feel that you are unable to do any of it.  Now, according to scripture that may not be the truth because the Word of God says I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me (Phil. 4:13)--but that doesn't mean I do it gracefully.  Did I make it through this day?  Yes.

Did I make it through this day gracefully?  Probably not.

I woke up this morning full of joy and hope--ready to face the day.  Today is the day when my son and I go to a very important doctor's appointment to find out the extent of what is going wrong in his body.  I had prepared for this appointment for the past week, knowing it was coming, but hoping that it would bring me the answers that I seek, and the relief that my son needs.

We received neither of those today.  In fact, by the end of the day, I felt more anxious and upset than I did when the day began.  It wasn't that what we DID hear was bad.  The doctor said that he doesn't believe my son has either Langerhans Cell Histiocytosis or any type of cancer.  However, when making this determination, he had not yet even looked at my son's blood tests.  This was after we waited 5 1/2 hours to see the doctor after having a firm appointment in the morning.  We were not seen until the afternoon.

I went through a range of emotions today.  Excitement over thinking we would find out something helpful...joy while we began our wait to see the doctor...and happiness from the look of innocence on my son's face.  However, as the clocked ticked on, my emotions began to change.  As the anxiety began to creep into my mind, I began to pray.  I began to "cast my cares upon Jesus" because I could feel the anxiety rising up in me!  I began to feel angry because I could not understand why we had to wait for hours when we had an appointment, and I began to feel alone and slightly forgotten.

I mustered every bit of patience and I went to the nurse's station to ask how long it might be before the doctor would be seeing us.  I had other obligations planned for the afternoon and I just wanted to know if I should call and cancel.

After my visit to the nurse's station, I heard the nurses talking about the "difficult parent with the patient who had been waiting..."  Whether it's true or not, I immediately felt they were talking about me.  Was I difficult for asking when we might be seen after several hours had passed?  I began to think about how others might become enraged and be very unkind to the staff, but not me.  I was going to wait patiently in my room, even if it felt like an eternity.  I was going to take deep breaths, practice the coping skills I teach others in counseling groups, and just stay calm.

As hour five passed on, I began to lose control.  I walked back out to the nurse's station again, knowing in my heart they probably were already frustrated with me, and I asked again..."how much longer will it be?"

To which they answered, "You are next to see the doctor."  It's the same thing they told me two hours before.  I almost felt like I was going to start crying.  I began praying harder, asking God to make them come into our room and help us!  I prayed and prayed.

That's when it hit me (just as it had in the waiting room earlier today)...we are on the cancer floor of the children's hospital.  Maybe there's a good reason why we are here to wait, and wait, and wait.

I heard the Lord whisper to my spirit, "Perhaps, YOU are praying for the wrong thing."

The Lord went on to say, "Perhaps, you should be praying for healing for these children and comfort and peace for THEIR families.  Perhaps I brought you here for such a time as this."

So I began to pray...not that our doctor would come quicker (although I still wanted him to show up any minute), but that God would touch and heal every person in that hospital, patients and families alike, even the nurses and the doctors who hearts may be suffering from losing patients (young patients) to the demon of cancer.

Perhaps...I was sent there...for such a time as this.

As my prayers, and my focus, shifted off myself and our problems.  I began to realize that there were suffering people all around me.  I had felt the fear, anxiety and heartache associated with knowing that my child is sick (for whatever reason), but what about when the doctor comes in and serves you with the worst news of your life...your child DOES have cancer and your child might die.  I have felt the sting recently of even having this thought cross my mind.  What if the doctor told me it was unequivocally true and there was no escaping the diagnosis?

As I began to pray for others in the hospital, suddenly two doctors (the attending physician and a medical student) showed up in our room.  We went through a rather rushed and crazy appointment that ended with the doctor telling me that my son is probably severely allergic to some type of food.  A food allergy test was ordered, along with an iron test for his anemia.  The doctor told me to keep my forthcoming appointment with the dermatologist and my son's other specialists, but he was very certain he does not have either cancer or Langerhans.  He may just have several things going on in his body that are unrelated!

What are the chances?  We will keep our appointments with the other doctors and we really don't have a lot of answers at this point.  Our son is still having a difficult time and we don't really know why, but we are one step closer to finding out...and the worst things seemed to have been ruled out at the moment.

Sometimes, our own tears...our own fears...and all our own problems can cloud our ability to notice the needs, fears and tears of others.  Regardless of how our story ends, I thank God for taking me to that place today.  I saw a young mother sitting in a chair and our eyes met for just a moment.  She was crying and I could feel the pain in her heart.  She had just heard something that broke her heart--a mother's heart.  I wanted to comfort her, but as soon as our eyes met, she looked down at the floor.  Looking another person in the eye when you are in so much pain is very difficult.  You don't want someone to see into your soul.

I said a prayer for her, and I will pray for her again tonight.  I prayed today that the Holy Spirit would make His presence known in that hospital floor and reach out and touch EVERYONE with His peace, His comfort, His grace and salvation.  I can't imagine many places where a touch from God is needed more.  The thought of losing a child breaks my heart...whether it be my own or another's.

Sadly, despite all this, I still had trouble not being bitter.  That proves that we all have a fleshly side based only in human nature.  May God forgive me for my selfishness at times and let me give all the offenses I face in life to Him.  Sometimes, we don't understand why things happen the way they do, but I can be sure that God has a plan...and it's ALWAYS GOOD!

Please...although I thank you for all your prayers and support for my family through this trial...PLEASE pray tonight for those who are facing childhood cancer and their families.  Pray for the doctors to have wisdom and peace in their own hearts.  Their job is difficult, but I'm thankful that they do it.

Psalm 34:18 (NASB)

The LORD is near to the brokenhearted And saves those who are crushed in spirit.

May God bless you all in the name of Jesus.