The Definition of Love

I never could have imagined how prophetic the shattering of a glass on my floor would be, but here I stand in the midst of a shattered life. I began writing this blog after having an epiphany one day when a glass shattered on my kitchen floor.  As I was sweeping up the seemingly endless broken shards of glass, God spoke to me about how my life would be like that shattered glass...that I couldn't put it back together again...it was only something God could do. God promised me that day that WHEN my life became shattered, He would put it back together.  

I really had no clue what He was talking about, but I began writing this blog called The Broken Glass.  I haven't written any posts for quite a while...until now.

My glass has truly been shattered.  

For the past two months, my husband and I have been separated.  In a divine move of providence in my life, God opened a door for me to have a wonderful job in Maui.  My husband and I agreed that I would take the position and then move the kids to Maui, then he would follow a few months later.

When I arrived in Maui with my daughter and mother, something I could have never expected began to happen. I suddenly felt like a tsunami wave of emotions was released in me.  It was as if I had been looking to a muddy lake and could not see anything, but suddenly, everything became clear to me.  The marriage I was living in was terribly abusive, unloving and destructive.  Being in a new place and having a new apartment, new surroundings (without him), I suddenly realized that he has been controlling every aspect of my life in the most horrific ways for the past 11 years.  I felt like I had been trapped in a dark dungeon and suddenly I was released into the brightest light of day.  

The daylight was scary to me.  I realized that the controlling nature of our marriage was that I obeyed...or else.  I lived the way HE wanted me to live, was WHO he wanted me to be and never stepped out of line or I would feel his wrath on my emotions.  I had been on a roller coaster ride of epic proportions (he has been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder) and I couldn't get off the ride.

Suddenly, I was in Maui...the most beautiful of all places to me, and I was feeling a rush of excitement, fear and anger.  How had I lived that way for so long?  How could I let another human being treat me so poorly?  

I told him that I felt we should have a formal separation.  He became angry and more possessive than ever before.  He kept saying "you are my wife, whether you like it or not.  You are my wife."

When I told him I wanted to separate from him, even possibly divorce, it was like he just didn't hear me at all.  When I speak now, he hears me talking, but won't acknowledge what I am saying to him.  He won't accept the divorce.  He won't accept my need to exist in my own right as a HUMAN BEING. 

He tells me he acts this way toward me because it's LOVE, and this has been the most confusing part of this whole thing.  He is associating pain with love, and love with control, love with not caring about another's desires, wants, needs or emotions.  HOW IS THAT LOVE?

I have a history of abuse, emotional, physical and sexual.  In my life, I have been used and abused, lied to, betrayed, forgotten and definitely made to feel unworthy, unwanted, unloved and unaccepted. Unfortunately, this has been a major theme in my life. I have been valued for what I CAN DO FOR OTHERS and not for WHO I AM. 

This has been my definition of love in many ways.  To be loved means for me to suffer at the hands of others, and this is actually NOT love at all.  

I take my definition of LOVE from 1 Corinthians 13.  Just the first two parts who the treatment I have received in life is not love, but hatred from the enemies of my soul. 

This passage starts off by saying LOVE IS PATIENT, LOVE IS KIND.

We can stop right there.  

I have not experienced this kind of love in a relationship, especially with a man. Men have been very hard on me, and they have caused me unbelievable pain. 

Today, as I was driving, I began to cry.  I heard an internal stream of thoughts telling me "You will NEVER really be loved.  You are broken and that's why people don't love you."

This just made me start sobbing...

I have experienced unconditional love of God - AGAPE LOVE.  It will fill up my heart and soul as God surrounds me in His presence and it makes me know that I am enough for him and that He is for me and never against me. 

I heard the Lord saying that He is going to open a door for me to speak at an event again soon.  I have spoken at various conferences and events before, but I know He brought me to Maui to speak again...a message from His own heart. 

The title of the message I am preparing is "Love is Stronger than Death." 

As someone who hears from the Lord and then speaks His word, I always have to live the message that I am to speak before speaking it to others.  Before I speak, God takes me on a journey to develop the message inside of me.  By the time I speak, I have been through many battles and overcome to learn about what God is speaking THROUGH me. I have entered a season where I am learning about what love really is, and what it certainly is not. 

The world has a very skewed concept of love.  People are hurt and abused by others, beaten and raped, emotionally destroyed and they remain in relationships with people where there is a VOID OF LOVE.  They do it because they have never felt unconditional love.  They equate love with pain and feel that nothing must be right unless something is wrong.  I know about this.  I have lived this way.  I'm uncomfortable with things becoming too good in my life.  It just feels strange after all that I have been through.  

I want to know God's definition of love...not just from words on a page, but it's this love that will rebuild, restore and put back together my shattered life in a new way. This is the only hope for a brighter future.  Even when everyone else has destroyed and abandoned you, with God's love in you, you can remain.

Righteousness: A Gift of God's Love and Grace

My mind has been filled with deep, profound thoughts about the nature of my Christian faith.  I'm not talking about the years of being a Christian "under my belt" or the fact that I've led Bible studies or been responsible for mission/outreach in a church.  I'm talking about the past week, I have really been thinking hard about my own faith in Jesus and what it means to me.

I love sharing scriptures and inspirational memes on Facebook because I feel like it gives people some hope, a light shining into their day to keep them going.  I don't do it to look down on anyone, but I certainly have been guilty of doing this in the past. Why?  What makes me think that I've been better off than anyone else.

Recently, I was around a group of women who were Christian.  Apparently, they did not realize I was Christian too, or they simply didn't care.  As time went on, I began to feel insecure in their presence.  I began to feel like I wasn't "good enough" to spend time with them.  It was mostly the tone they used when speaking to me.  I eventually shared with them that I believed in Jesus too, thinking it would somehow get me into their club...

I still didn't work.  I felt singled out, left out and ostracized.  I'm not trying to throw a pity party here, but rather to illustrate a point.  I'm glad this happened to me.  It has really inspired me to think about who I AM as a Christian woman, and as a human being. I suddenly felt conviction in my heart that I, too, have probably treated others this way.

The past year of working in the mental health hospital has taught me about how to love people unconditionally, like God loves them.  I have worked with people with many different mental illnesses, problems, symptoms, life struggles, backgrounds, beliefs, and sexual orientations.  As a professional, I am expected to treat every person with the same respect and dignity while providing counseling services, regardless of who they are, or what they have done in the past.

I have learned to really LOVE people, even the ones that society has rejected and despised.   Sound familiar?  When I think of Jesus, He was like that...always eating with sinners, hanging out with the lowest in his society. I admire Jesus for being that way.

I think the situation with these Christian women illustrated a good point.  I think they believed, at first, that I was not "one of them." There were even a couple of interactions where I felt like they were trying to evangelize me, until I shared with them that I know Jesus intimately and have seen God do amazing things, such as heal the sick and even raise the dead.  Then, they probably thought I was "one of those Christians...you know, the crazy ones who speak in tongues and believe God still does miracles."

Regardless of how I presented my faith to them, they had their opinion of me.  I was not going to be "one of them."

At first, I admit, I felt pretty upset and hurt.  I was more disillusioned than anything else.  These are SUPPOSED to be my sisters in Christ!  We are all in the same family of God.  Yes, I'm still human and, of course, I make mistakes in life. I've overcome a lot of my past mistakes, but I know that I'm loving others as God loves me, and I'm loving God.

Weren't those the two commandments that Jesus gave to us?

I have forgiven them for the way that I have been treated, but at the same time, it has caused me to examine my own thoughts about others and my actions in the past.  I must forgive, lest I risk hypocrisy, because I've done the EXACT same thing to people...thinking I was doing good.

I'm not mad.  This was all a blessing in disguise.

This past year changed me. It made me more kind, more compassionate, more forgiving, more unconditionally loving, and ultimately, I have gained some wisdom through it all.

Christianity is not an exclusive and elite club.  If we examine the Bible, it shows that Jesus was very inclusive.  He called for repentance, and we can speak that message--tempered with love and grace--but we must love people as they are, not as we would like them to be.

That's our #1 job as Christians.

We don't have to agree with what others do.  It's our choice not to believe.  However, we need to LOVE everyone, especially those who ARE Christians, because sometimes I think they need the most unconditional love and grace of all.

I learned through all of this that being a Christian does not make me BETTER than anyone else.  Romans 3:23 comes to mind, "For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God."

If not a Christian, everyone is in the same boat of needing grace, love and forgiveness.

If a Christian, you still need the same grace, love and forgiveness that you needed when you were NOT a Christian!  Faith in Jesus does not make you better than someone. That's just pride and self-righteousness being displayed, not grace and love.

When Pharisees in the Bible sought to follow the law (all 612 laws) in entirety, they became extremely self-righteous and even killed those who opposed them.  We seem to have that same problem in the church today.

I love being a Christian because I have a relationship with God that brings me peace, comfort, salvation and hope. I know that I'm not perfect, but Jesus was perfect for me.  He fulfilled the law through his death and resurrection. He paid the ultimate price for me, not the other way around.

I ask you to remember this when you meet someone, whether or not they believe the same things as you do. We are all called to LOVE first.  Christianity is all about relationship with God and others, and if we don't understand this, we really don't understand Christianity--regardless of how many scriptures you can quote.

I know who I AM before God's throne of grace. I am His beloved daughter, His "princess of grace" and He loves me.  I am His and He is mine, regardless of who recognizes this fact while I'm living on the earth. It will not change His thoughts, feelings or acceptance of me...this is already finished.  He has declared me righteous because I've believed in His Son...not because of any other reason or work that I've done.

This declaration of righteousness does not give me a license to treat others with contempt.  I am just thankful that He has given me this precious gift, and I desire to share the hope that He has given to me with others.

Righteousness Through Faith (Romans 3:21-26)

21 But now apart from the law the righteousness of God has been made known, to which the Law and the Prophets testify. 22 This righteousness is given through faithin[h] Jesus Christ to all who believe. There is no difference between Jew and Gentile, 23 for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, 24 and all are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.25 God presented Christ as a sacrifice of atonement,[i] through the shedding of his blood—to be received by faith. He did this to demonstrate his righteousness, because in his forbearance he had left the sins committed beforehand unpunished— 26 he did it to demonstrate his righteousness at the present time, so as to be just and the one who justifies those who have faith in Jesus.

Trusting in God's Timing

This morning, I woke up to a little bundle of warm flesh snuggled up against my body.  I could hear his quiet breaths and feel his warm skin, as he wiggled and mumbled something.  I whispered, "what, baby?"  In this little, soft, voice...my son whispers back, "I said, I love you."

There really is nothing better in this life. To be truly, deeply, madly loved by another human being is the most amazing feeling on earth. Such amazing things come from these small human beings that we call children.

Growing up, I was the kind of girl that wanted to have children from the time I was a small child. I always wanted to be a mommy.  Starting very young, I started having chronic pain that would stay with me every day for months at a time.  In college, I was in severe pain and could not sleep through the night.  I finally visited a doctor regarding my pain.  After a quick examination, the doctor said, "I know what's wrong, I believe you have endometriosis, but we will have to do surgery to make a diagnosis."

When I returned to my house, I began to search for information about endometriosis.  At the time, there was not much quality information and (from what was known), it seemed like a scary disease.  Basically, tissue that belongs in the uterus ends up in other places in the body and then grows each month being fueled by estrogen.  Thus began a long, hard journey for me. From my reading and what the doctor told me, having children could be a difficult and heartbreaking journey...this would ultimately become a reality for me.

Until the past few years, I had not shared the details of my struggle with infertility. Many people see my three beautiful and smiling children, and probably think I am very blessed.  They would be correct.  I am blessed.  Wanting these precious children and going through the process to have them led to some of the most gut-wrenching emotional pain I have ever experienced, but the joy of the blessing outweighs the pain of the sorrow.

I had a dream to have children.  At 18 years old, I was told that this may not happen for me in life, but it could be a difficult process. I don't think "difficult" is a strong enough word for what those with infertility actually go through.  It can be soul-crushing, torturous and play games with the mind that people don't want to even imagine. Wanting something so badly, and feeling inadequate to have it, or provide your spouse with children, or to have the family you have dreamed about, can bring a person to great despair.  It was confirmed that I had endometriosis and I did not know if my dream would ever come true.  I felt very depressed thinking of never having the chance to snuggle my own baby, caring and loving for my own child. Of course, adoption would have been a great alternative to giving birth, but I really wanted a child, born of my own flesh and blood.

Most people don't even realize the truth of the struggle.  I've had several miscarriages. A couple of times, I may have actually had other miscarriages, but lost the baby before I realized I was pregnant because I refused to take a pregnancy test--fearing the worst.  Even the thought of being pregnant would shoot an odd mixture of fear and excitement into my heart.  I would desperately want to know if I was pregnant, but then experience paralyzing fear to actually know that I was pregnant...and might experience another loss.

Fortunately, I was eventually able to have three children.  Fearing more pain and loss, it was decided that permanent birth control was the answer.  My body has been through a war and we decided to declare victory and end the war!

I still think and wonder about my little babies in heaven. I believe they are there, with Jesus, until I am able to come and meet them. It will be a glorious day to experience this reunion.

For now, I focus on the fact that it was worth every minute of the struggle to feel my son's breath on my neck, to feel his little heart beating next to mine...and to hear him say, "I love you."

God knows the desires of our hearts.  He knows the dreams that are sacred to us. He knows that trying to subdue those dreams, or ignore them, is not always going to work. Many times, they are dreams planted in our hearts by Him.  We simply do not understand His timing.  We want the right thing that God wants for us, but the timing isn't right.

A few months ago, I was praying about things that the Lord had promised to me, but I had not yet seen occur in my life.  I was praying about dreams and desires that I have, and I was asking the Lord if they were things that I should continue to hold onto, or were they just selfish desires?  I was driving to work and the Lord spoke gently to my heart, saying "Sometimes, we want the right things, but at the wrong time."

I started thinking about how important God's timing could be in my life.  I went on a mental journey of events in my life that all were perfectly timed--right down to having my first child at the age of 19, outside of marriage, seemingly at the "wrong time." However, having my daughter led me to switch majors in college, finish ahead of my scheduled graduation, go to work at a certain place and meet my husband. I thought I would live in Tucson much longer, but God's timing was different and we moved to Guam "ahead of schedule." When we got to Guam, we had a little baby boy who was born "a little early." We tried to have another baby, but ended up having a few miscarriages before being surprised by our third child, thinking we would not have another child. He was "a little late."

This is the boy that awoke next to me this morning and told me, "I love you."  God knows, his birth was actually right on time.

We don't always understand God's timing.  We don't understand His plan. We don't understand why some things happen and others don't. What I have come to know is that God is always on time with the completion of HIS plan for our lives. It may be not our plan, or our timing, but God certainly knows WHAT HE'S DOING and WHEN HE'S DOING IT.

I think back about the times when I could have turned left, but my life turned in the opposite direction. If I had chosen a different college or stayed in my hometown, or I had chosen a different major in college, a different job after college, different friends, not had my child during college, not moved to Guam, not become a military spouse...and a thousand other decisions that could have pointed my life in a different direction.

Instead, I focus on where I am...this morning, I woke up in bed next to the most handsome little man I've ever known (besides my other handsome son)...and he told me that he loved me. The waiting and wondering, the pining and longing...and even questioning...it was all truly WORTH IT!

Don't give up.  God has a good plan, no matter what you're going through.  He knows where HE is taking you today.  Just rest, trust and enjoy this life that He has given to YOU.

Don't take today for granted.  Tomorrow will come, Lord willing, but even tomorrow is not promised to us. Enjoy the time you have been given today.  Life is precious...and life is unpredictable. We don't know what tomorrow will bring, or even the rest of today.  Some people won't have a tomorrow on this earth.

Trust His timing...it's part of a plan that works out for your good.

The Journey of Life

As I spoke with a friend today, I shared a thought that has been replaying over and over in my mind lately.  The thought is that, perhaps, it does not matter what we do for a living, or what we accomplish...perhaps, this is all really in vain.  Perhaps...it matters more WHO WE ARE than WHAT WE DO. I began thinking about my long and winding journey with the Lord.  I thought about the many twists and turns, the constant uncertainty of life.  Is there anything that is really certain in life...anything that is not unpredictable and ever-changing? 

I recently finished a master's degree program in professional counseling after five long years of graduate school.  It took me so long because life is unpredictable.  The program was only supposed to take about three years, but it took me two extra years to finish!  Perhaps, this is because my husband and son were both very ill during this time period, and we moved across country in the middle of my program.  It may be due to the fact that I have been raising three children, putting their own needs before my own.

I think I finished right on time.  I think that finishing earlier would not have allowed me to gain maturity that is needed in this grueling profession, and I would still be searching for myself in ways that I did a couple years ago.  If nothing else, counseling school taught me to examine myself, my goals, my desires, my pain and suffering in a very different way than ever before.  I was forced to stop looking the other way when thinking of the negative aspects of my life, and to face myself each and every day, learning to love myself for who I really am...not who I would pretend to be.

These past five years taught me that life is hard.  Life hurts.  Life can leave lasting scars that can be difficult to heal.  Life is unpredictable and it can be scary.  Life doesn't always go the way we planned.  Is there any point in really planning anyway?  I don't know anymore.

I didn't plan to have my first child at 19 years old.  I didn't plan to marry my husband and immediately move together to a remote Pacific island.  I didn't plan for my second child to become very ill and be given devastating news about his health when he was 15 months old.  I didn't plan for God to reverse that prognosis and heal him just two years later, leaving him fully healthy and "normal."  I didn't plan to have my third child and look death in the eye during childbirth.  I didn't plan to move before his third birthday...across the country again.  I really didn't plan to attend grad school for counseling. I didn't plan to be a counselor.  I didn't plan to make, and lose, friends along the way.  I didn't even plan to be sitting here, writing this blog post today.

I haven't planned life.  Life has taken me on a long and winding journey.  Sometimes, I look back, although I really shouldn't. I look and see the twists in the road, and the times where I almost didn't make it. I see where LIFE has taken me, but one thing I know for sure...God has never left me.  He has been with me through every twist, every turn, every heartbreak and every celebration.  He has been my constant companion on this journey.  In fact, He knows the road I'm going down.  He's already been there and He knows the whole plan for my life...because He wrote it.

Sometimes, I get confused about where I'm going.  Sometimes, I get angry about the turns I felt I should have made.  Sometimes, I simply feel a little lost along the way.  Sometimes, I feel like the twisting tornados of Oklahoma, or the gusting winds of the typhoons in Guam, the earthquakes, or the dryness and drought of New Mexico deserts.  I've even been in the mountains of Colorado. I've been many places along the way.  I've seen disasters and beautiful vistas.  This is the glory of the life that God gives to us.  We don't always know where the path will lead, but we can always know that He is with us, and He knows the way. He makes the crooked path straight before us, and He makes a way where there seems to be no way...rivers in the desert and a path in the wilderness.

When you feel lost, remember that Jesus is near to the brokenhearted and those who are crushed in spirit.  If you are feeling low in the trenches of life, know that Jesus is there with you.  If you are climbing a mountaintop, He is there too.  He wrote the story of your life.  He wrote the story of mine too. Just like He never left me...He will never leave you. 

Talking to Jesus

Yesterday, I had a come to Jesus talk...with Jesus.  As I drove to work on my every day one hour commute, I decided it was time to really talk to Jesus.  Don't get me wrong, I pray every day.  I read my Bible regularly and I talk to God about what I read.  I am a good "upstanding Christian woman."

But, something has happened in the past year that I can't quite explain.  The past year, I have been able to check off many things from my to-do list of life.  I will have my master's degree in hand in a couple weeks and I'm interviewing for great new opportunities.  I have a feeling I may even be offered a great job.  I have a wonderful husband who has served his country for over a decade faithfully, and I have three amazing children who inspire me every day.  Each of them received the highest award in their respective school for this past year.

I am blessed.  I am honored.  I live a charmed life, full of goodness and accomplishment.

Yet, this past year, I have felt empty in ways that I can hardly explain to anyone. I have become more withdrawn and isolated, and even started talking much less than ever before (if you know me, this would tell you something is wrong).

I just don't feel like I have much to say to anyone. For a writer, speaker, teacher and counselor, this is a strange feeling.  I've always had something to say, something to share, and many times people have commented that the words I speak are inspiring and helpful.  I don't say this to boast, but to understand that suddenly being at a loss for words is strange for me.

Yesterday, I woke up and all I wanted to do was talk to Jesus.  I didn't want to talk with a friend, or call someone on the way to work. I just wanted to really talk to Jesus...in a way that I have not really talked to Him in the past year.

You see, I have been so busy finishing my master's degree, working in a fast-paced environment, working toward becoming successful, trying to keep up with my kids' activities and achievements and help them, and also be a good wife, a good friend, a good citizen of this world...

I forgot what is really important.

I'm almost ashamed to say it, but I know God has grace for me.  Yesterday wasn't about being "a good Christian" because Lord already knows I am not a good Christian.  I have failed countless number of times and if my right standing with God is based on my own works/deeds, I should just give up now.  I will never be good enough for God.  I don't even want to try.  I want to seek Him every day of my life, and out of this relationship, He leads me and guides me into a better life.  It's a LOVE relationship, not following rules (because I have NEVER been good at following rules)!

Yesterday, on my way to work, I just turned off the music and really shared my heart with God.  I talked about things that I have been putting on the shelf for the past year.  I talked about my fears, my hurts, the suffering I have seen, but that was just the tip of the iceberg.  Once the words started to flow from my mouth, I started talking about an issue that was buried deep in my past...or was it?

You see, the business of life can blind us from what is truly important.  Yesterday, as I shared my thoughts with God, I knew that He had known my heart all along.  He knew my heart before I spoke those words to Him.  He just wanted me to come and be open with Him, confess how I felt, and seek His merciful grace.  After talking for awhile, I just sat in silence and listened for His voice.

All at once, I could feel this warmth surround me, like a comforting blanket. It was wrapping me up, like I was sitting in front of a fire on a cold winter day.  I could feel God's love for me.  I could feel His reassurance, that although I had failed to faithfully nurture our relationship, He still loved me the same as He always had before. His love had never changed for me.

In the world, I was becoming successful, but at what cost?  If I don't make time for these "come to Jesus talks," what success do I really have?  I felt better after one conversation with God that was truly deep and heartfelt than I have felt during many praises and accomplishments in the past year.

God started leading me toward becoming a counselor in early 2011.  After several months of prayer, I started my program. Everything felt like it was headed in the direction that God wanted for me.  I believe that I am meant to be a counselor.  God is not unhappy with the success that I have experienced this past year, or the work that I have done.  However, the most important work that occurred this past year was in my own heart.  God knew that my heart needed a makeover.

He sent me to the valley of the shadow of death, to walk alone with Him, and to be changed. It has been a very lonely year, despite being surrounded by people.  I can't remember feeling this alone for a very long time.  At my lowest moments, I realized that I was never alone. God has been with me every day of my life, and He is not letting go.  It has truly been a wilderness experience for me, one of the most difficult seasons of my life.

At the end of this week, my schedule is going to change dramatically.  I will be counseling less and spending more time at home with my children during the summer.  The seasons are changing, as they always do, and I am grateful for the coming change.  The season that is passing away has been exceedingly difficult, but God has completed a great work in my life, and I am thankful...even for the darkness, pain and suffering, because God makes everything beautiful in it's time.

The Excellence in God's Works
…10I have seen the task which God has given the sons of men with which to occupy themselves. 11He has made everything appropriate in its time. He has also set eternity in their heart, yet so that man will not find out the work which God has done from the beginning even to the end. 12I know that there is nothing better for them than to rejoice and to do good in one's lifetime...

A Broken Heart--A Shattered Glass

Over the past year, I have seen suffering that does not compare to anything I've experienced in the past.  Every day, as an inpatient psychiatric therapist, I see people in the deepest places of despair and hopelessness.  I had a patient say recently, "Why shouldn't I just die?  I have nothing to live for, and no hope that anything will get better for me."  When he said this, I just stopped and realized I was suddenly not breathing for a moment.  It was like a wave of darkness had washed over me.

Unfortunately, sometimes, that wave of darkness goes home with me.  I find myself thinking about hopelessness and I even begin to feel hopeless.

I ask myself that question, "Why would a person want to live without the promise of HOPE?"

Without hope, we are already DEAD.

What do we hope for?  Perhaps, a better life, better relationships, more financial security...

For those I work with, they struggle every day to find something to hope for...

During group sessions, I often give patients homework to find ONE thing they love about themselves, or ONE thing they have be hopeful about in the future.  I ask patients to share responses, and often, nobody has the answers.

This past year has been one the toughest seasons in my life.  I have struggled to remain hopeful, even though I have the greatest hope of all, through Jesus.  When I am at my absolute lowest points and I feel the darkness overwhelming me, I feel His presence comforting me.  I know that He really will never leave me nor forsake (abandon) me.  No matter what darkness I traverse through in life, He will be there in the darkness with me, shining a light of hope.

Before I knew Jesus, I also lacked hope.  I found myself in the deepest place of hopeless despair, mourning and self-loathing. He gave me hope when I had none.

I pray every day for the patients and staff at the hospital.  Sometimes, I see God intervene during the day and it brings me hope...but even when I can't see Him working, I always know He is there with me.  I have moments when His presence is very clearly discerned.  I feel His everlasting love.

I have been through a lot of darkness in my life, some of which I solely created. I have made poor decisions in my life that resulted in negative consequences and caused me to become hopeless.  I have been depressed, anxious, fearful, angry, even hateful at times.  All of this created a deep pit of hopelessness.

Many times, we must live with the consequences of our negative behaviors for many years, even after redemption has occurred and restitution has been made.  Decisions change lives, sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse.

Fortunately, or unfortunately, life moves on...

It's all about finding peace in this life...finding hope that does not disappoint...and having something or someone to bring love, comfort and joy to our lives.

For me, that is Jesus and the presence of God in my life.  It's not something on the pages of a historical novel, it's a presence that goes with me everywhere, in everything that I do.  In the deepest place of having a broken heart, God is near to me. A broken heart and a contrite spirit He will not despise (Psalm 51:17). He draws near to the brokenhearted and those crushed in spirit (Psalm 34:18).

I have felt the pain of a broken heart...more than once in my life.  When I sit before others who are brokenhearted and crushed in spirit, I mourn with them.  I realize that when they speak of being hopeless, that is their current reality and existence. I realize that without supernatural intervention, many of them will die of a broken heart.  I believe God uses those in their lives to bring them hope.  He works through these vessels to bring hope to the hopeless, to encourage them never to give up on finding hope again.

Are You Living or Dying?

(Dedicated to all my friends & family who have lost someone suddenly...)

This morning, I sit here watching a very silly cartoon show about a talking sponge...you know the one if you have any kids in your house.  It's silly and a little demeaning at times to people everywhere, but sadly, I still find out humorous.

I am watching this cartoon on a Monday morning because my kids are out of school today.  My son woke up in the middle of the night with a very sore throat, and consequently, I had to call in sick to work today.  This past year, my kids have been sick more times than in the past few years combined.  It's just been that kind of year.

When I first woke up and realized that I had to call my supervisor yet again to tell her my kid was sick, I felt a twinge of anxiety.  Most of the people I work with are younger than me, have no children, aren't married, and sometimes I feel they don't really understand the married with children life.  It makes calling in sick to take care of my children seem out of place to me.

The bigger question is, why am I even worrying about what they think?

I can answer this question in two words "People...pleaser."

All my life, I have fought an internal struggle between strong sense of identity and self, and endlessly worrying about what other people think of me.  Depending on what day you catch me on, you might get an extreme version of one or the other.  Some might say that I'm fiercely independent, shunning rules and order, forging my own path in life.  Some have called me stubborn and rebellious, not caring what anyone thinks.  For many years, I put up the front of not caring to protect my heart from being hurt by people knowing how much I really cared about what they think.

You may have known me during a more sensitive time in my life when I feel exceptionally vulnerable, soft-hearted and trying hard to let people see the inside of my heart.  This has been more of how I've been the past few years.  I've been letting go.  However, I've noticed that my circle of good friends has become significantly smaller.  In fact, since becoming more this way, I've fought loneliness and felt more than ever than I'm not accepted for who I am.  At times, I have lashed out in anger and become "sad-mad" at people for their responses to my vulnerability.  It hurts to expose your heart and to find out people really don't care.

Just the fact that I'm writing this blog post means that I'm still making efforts to be vulnerable.  I'm rather tired of acting hard and calloused.  I want to develop deep, intimate connections with other human beings.  We are all in this life together, and I want to walk through it with people by my side.

Yesterday, I heard a great sermon about taking time to appreciate the grace of God, and focusing more on the wonderful things that God has given to us versus constantly focusing on things to complain about.

Today, I'm taking note of that sermon and I'm going to share something with you all about what I've learned in life.

Life...is...short  AND Life...is...extremely...unpredictable.

It's easy for our glass to get broken.  If you don't understand what this means, read my previous blog posts.  My glass has been shattered...more than once.

After the sermon yesterday, I shared a piece of my own story with my pastor.  On November 5, 2009, my perspective of life completely changed.

I was in a delivery room, giving birth to my third child, a son.  After three previous miscarriages, this was my miracle baby.  I had prayed fervently for the pregnancy to go well, without complications, and I had been faring quite well.  Besides the usual weight gain and some late-term pain of carrying an 8 pound baby, it was going better than I expected.

I made the decision with my third child to attempt completely natural childbirth.  I felt the Lord urging me to try during my private prayer time, and I felt it was an act of trusting Him to take care of all my needs.  My second child was born more quickly than expected, and I ended up not receiving the benefit of the epidural.  I found that natural childbirth was not as bad as people make it out to be.

As I laid there, breathing deeply and heavily, laboring in this beautiful miracle of life...I realized that it was taking an exceptionally long time to push the baby out.  Pushing had always been easy for me and a very quick process.  What was wrong this time?

I asked the doctor, "What is taking so long this time?  This usually happens faster."  The midwife and doctor told me that my son's head was stuck in my pelvic bone.  They asked if they could turn him around to give me a better angle for exiting.  I said, "Ok."

They tried to turn him...it wasn't working.  The doctor said, "I'd like to use forceps to turn him and get him out."  I said, "Ok."  (Now I wish I hadn't agreed).

In just a moment, the doctor began to turn his head.  I felt pain like I have NEVER felt before.  On a scale of 1 to 10, it was a 14.  Immediately, I felt I was going to lose consciousness.  In a way that is hard to explain, the whole room turned GRAY.  Everything became blurry.  It was like I was there, but I wasn't really there.  It felt like a dissociated state, like I was watching and hearing it happen, but I wasn't taking part in the story.

I felt them throw up the side of the hospital bed and we began to race down the hall to the operating room.  I remember feeling like I was fading in and out of consciousness.  The sights and sounds seemed to be in slow motion.  We entered the OR and there were many more people around me.  There seemed to be about 20 people in the room!  I couldn't count, but there were many more than I would expect in such a small room.  The people were yelling at each other across the room.  The anxiety turned to anger and shouting when someone wasn't doing what the doctor was wanting him to do.  I could hear the doctor saying, "You're going to be ok, you're going to be ok, we are going to help you...we are going to take care of you."  His voice vibrated...there was an underlying insecurity in his voice.  He quickly rolled me onto the operating table and I felt all the strength in my body seem to leave me.  I felt so weak, my arms flopped to the side and I felt that I couldn't move.  Even moving my eyes to look around seemed to take an enormous amount of energy.  I was absolutely exhausted beyond anything I have experienced.  I remember looking around for my husband to appear, but he wasn't there.  Finally, I closed my eyes and started praying.

I haven't told many people the following details, but I feel compelled to share them now.  Perhaps, as a comfort to others who have lost loved ones.  Perhaps, to finally share what happened to me on November 5, 2009.  I found out that we don't die, but our spirits are going somewhere when we die.

Before my husband came into the room, I began to feel my spirit rise out of my body.  I have told the story a few times before, but only more in the past year.  I had a sense there was a giant magnet in the corner of the operating room and it was pulling me out from a place about 2" above my belly button.  I felt I was connected to something and the magnetic pull was very, very strong.  I was unable to even try to fight against it.  It was pulling me very hard, and very quickly.

Every degree of measurement that I came out of my body, I felt the most incredible peace, warmth and love that I have ever felt.  Every second that passed, this feeling was getting stronger, but it was like time was fading away at an equal rate.  I didn't feel connected with time...or my body...but I could feel the coldness and weakness, lifelessness, of my own body.

I remember praying one final thing...I prayed, "God, just please take of my husband and my children."  I told Jesus that I was ready to go with him, if that is what He decided.  I felt like I was about 75% outside of my body and it would be over and I would be gone, in just a few more milliseconds.  I just closed my eyes and surrendered myself to the pulling sensation.

This is where things got very confusing for me.  In a matter of milliseconds again, I woke up in the recovery room of the hospital.  I remember wondering if I was dead or alive.  I wasn't quite sure.  I remember thinking about it for a minute and then feeling pain in my abdomen from the c-section I had just endured.  I thought, "Revelation 21 says that there is no more pain or sorrow in heaven, so I must not be dead."

The nurse walked in the room and I said, "I'M ALIVE!"  I took her by the shoulders and shook her a little from my great excitement (and I'm sure still having some drugs in my system).  She said, "Yes, but it was a very, very close call."

I was taken to a hospital room where my baby was waiting with the rest of my family.  I felt very, very weak, and I could not hold my baby for more than a couple minutes.  It was like all the strength I had before the surgery was gone.  I have NEVER been so tired in my entire life.

I remember looking around at my baby, my husband and my other family members.  It was like I had never seen them before and I was seeing everything in a fresh new light.  I remember thinking, "I don't care what just happened, I'm alive and I'm going to live every moment as if it's my last."

That day, I stopped taking life for granted.  I deeply understand that every moment of life is a gift from God.  The good Lord giveth and He taketh away!  I also came out of this experience with a renewed passion to share the good news of Jesus Christ with others.  There is life after this place.  Our spirit is a part of who we are, and I know it's going somewhere after we die.  I believed in eternal life and our spirits being eternal before this experience, but I definitely believe now.

Why am I sharing this now?  Some have heard me tell this story before, but many have not.  I have worried too much in the past about what people will think of my story.  Perhaps, they will think I am lying or exaggerating, or that I'm simply crazy.  Maybe what I say doesn't line up with their own view of God, scripture, or their interpretation of the Bible.  I have worried and worried about what others think.  It's that darn people-pleasing side of me again.

I think God gave me an experience so that I can give others hope.  It is not a light that is meant to be hid under a basket.  There is hope.  His name is Jesus and He is the giver of eternal life. When you die someday, your spirit will go SOMEWHERE...of that I am sure.  I do believe in both heaven and hell. I believe that we go to one or the other, but our entrance is only based on ONE thing.  Do we trust in Jesus completely as our Lord and Savior?  Do we truly believe that HIS sacrifice is enough to cover all our sin and wash it away completely?

His grace is really ENOUGH for anyone who believes to be saved.  The thing about life is that it's a GIFT and we never know when we will not be given another day.  While we are here, on this planet, we need to live as though we might not be here tomorrow, in richness and abundance of God's grace, and making the most of each moment.  Life is a precious gift, not to be squandered.

Eternal life can start now.

I'm not guaranteed another day.  The blessing of feeling like I was going to die is now I know how to truly live.

I work everyday with people who are trying to kill themselves or kill other people.  They want to die because they feel that life is hopeless and without merit, and they are tired of feeling like they're dying anyway.  Some get angry at the world and want to take precious life from others.  Neither way is what God intended.  I am hoping and praying that sharing my story might help someone to take the time to enjoy life and smell the roses....and maybe find abundant life that never ends.

I pray this testimony blesses you and gives you hope.  I see death everywhere around me...every day...and I want to share LIFE and spread HOPE--a light shining in a dark place.

No matter what you think of my story, I know it's real and it has given me hope to live a wonderful life.