I never could have imagined how prophetic the shattering of a glass on my floor would be, but here I stand in the midst of a shattered life. I began writing this blog after having an epiphany one day when a glass shattered on my kitchen floor. As I was sweeping up the seemingly endless broken shards of glass, God spoke to me about how my life would be like that shattered glass...that I couldn't put it back together again...it was only something God could do. God promised me that day that WHEN my life became shattered, He would put it back together.
I really had no clue what He was talking about, but I began writing this blog called The Broken Glass. I haven't written any posts for quite a while...until now.
My glass has truly been shattered.
For the past two months, my husband and I have been separated. In a divine move of providence in my life, God opened a door for me to have a wonderful job in Maui. My husband and I agreed that I would take the position and then move the kids to Maui, then he would follow a few months later.
When I arrived in Maui with my daughter and mother, something I could have never expected began to happen. I suddenly felt like a tsunami wave of emotions was released in me. It was as if I had been looking to a muddy lake and could not see anything, but suddenly, everything became clear to me. The marriage I was living in was terribly abusive, unloving and destructive. Being in a new place and having a new apartment, new surroundings (without him), I suddenly realized that he has been controlling every aspect of my life in the most horrific ways for the past 11 years. I felt like I had been trapped in a dark dungeon and suddenly I was released into the brightest light of day.
The daylight was scary to me. I realized that the controlling nature of our marriage was that I obeyed...or else. I lived the way HE wanted me to live, was WHO he wanted me to be and never stepped out of line or I would feel his wrath on my emotions. I had been on a roller coaster ride of epic proportions (he has been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder) and I couldn't get off the ride.
Suddenly, I was in Maui...the most beautiful of all places to me, and I was feeling a rush of excitement, fear and anger. How had I lived that way for so long? How could I let another human being treat me so poorly?
I told him that I felt we should have a formal separation. He became angry and more possessive than ever before. He kept saying "you are my wife, whether you like it or not. You are my wife."
When I told him I wanted to separate from him, even possibly divorce, it was like he just didn't hear me at all. When I speak now, he hears me talking, but won't acknowledge what I am saying to him. He won't accept the divorce. He won't accept my need to exist in my own right as a HUMAN BEING.
He tells me he acts this way toward me because it's LOVE, and this has been the most confusing part of this whole thing. He is associating pain with love, and love with control, love with not caring about another's desires, wants, needs or emotions. HOW IS THAT LOVE?
I have a history of abuse, emotional, physical and sexual. In my life, I have been used and abused, lied to, betrayed, forgotten and definitely made to feel unworthy, unwanted, unloved and unaccepted. Unfortunately, this has been a major theme in my life. I have been valued for what I CAN DO FOR OTHERS and not for WHO I AM.
This has been my definition of love in many ways. To be loved means for me to suffer at the hands of others, and this is actually NOT love at all.
I take my definition of LOVE from 1 Corinthians 13. Just the first two parts who the treatment I have received in life is not love, but hatred from the enemies of my soul.
This passage starts off by saying LOVE IS PATIENT, LOVE IS KIND.
We can stop right there.
I have not experienced this kind of love in a relationship, especially with a man. Men have been very hard on me, and they have caused me unbelievable pain.
Today, as I was driving, I began to cry. I heard an internal stream of thoughts telling me "You will NEVER really be loved. You are broken and that's why people don't love you."
This just made me start sobbing...
I have experienced unconditional love of God - AGAPE LOVE. It will fill up my heart and soul as God surrounds me in His presence and it makes me know that I am enough for him and that He is for me and never against me.
I heard the Lord saying that He is going to open a door for me to speak at an event again soon. I have spoken at various conferences and events before, but I know He brought me to Maui to speak again...a message from His own heart.
The title of the message I am preparing is "Love is Stronger than Death."
As someone who hears from the Lord and then speaks His word, I always have to live the message that I am to speak before speaking it to others. Before I speak, God takes me on a journey to develop the message inside of me. By the time I speak, I have been through many battles and overcome to learn about what God is speaking THROUGH me. I have entered a season where I am learning about what love really is, and what it certainly is not.
The world has a very skewed concept of love. People are hurt and abused by others, beaten and raped, emotionally destroyed and they remain in relationships with people where there is a VOID OF LOVE. They do it because they have never felt unconditional love. They equate love with pain and feel that nothing must be right unless something is wrong. I know about this. I have lived this way. I'm uncomfortable with things becoming too good in my life. It just feels strange after all that I have been through.
I want to know God's definition of love...not just from words on a page, but it's this love that will rebuild, restore and put back together my shattered life in a new way. This is the only hope for a brighter future. Even when everyone else has destroyed and abandoned you, with God's love in you, you can remain.
